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I�feel like a terrible person.

I am a member of this service organization, which is holding a service event tomorrow at 8:30am, and Iapos;m still awake at 3:30am, eating Post Selects:�Cranberry Almond Crunch. I�have been going to sleep somewhere around the vicinity of 4:30am, every night/morning for the past few days. Night owl? Maybe a little...

Part of the problem tonight is that Iapos;m not really all that sure that I�like service. I mean, I definitely donapos;t like it enough to wake up for it at 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday, and maybe Iapos;m not sure whether I like it enough to be required to do so many hours of it a semester, along with attending so many meetings�(which are averaging about 2 a week for one organization), and going to so many special events.

But, really, what else is there to do around here?

This is a question I must ponder this semester. (And there really is a list of things that go along with the answer, but then the question becomes whether or not�I will actually like doing the other things...)

I probably just need to develop a better work ethic.

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Saturday 12:45 PM training at Kallang. With running shoes and carbon paddle.
8am woke up and did some mental workout. Sang lots of song to get myself fired up.
went to training with a sense of strong determination to fight back for my seat.
won it for 2 sets. Although it is little, but it is already a comeback for me.
to have Coach put me back there, means he still wants me there.
so Iapos;m gonna work hard and show him that that place is mine.
ca gave that seat to me... From the time she called me to return to db.
from that time, she knows that in future when she leaves, that seat will be mine.
for ca, for my most admired senior, for her, I must have that seat back.
MINE. Forever and ever only MINE. Because I deserve it. It belongs to ME.

had dinner with den, deb, mich, ly, sam, nov, van and cy.
quite enjoyable. Had many good laughs. Although still quiet, but its better already.
good improvement. The best part was the bus ride.
I did open my bloody mouth up to talk to the rest (nov, sam and ly).
but I left after that, because we must end at good things...
to remember the good things that has happen.
we donapos;t want to leave only when bad things arises right? hahaa.

hb, X and J didnapos;t attend training today.
hb is sick. And Iapos;m saddened. I miss her oh so much.
that I had vegetarian for dinner today.
one day when my love for her comes to an extreme,
Iapos;ll simply just turn vegetarian for good. Hahaa.
and this much I am serious.

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Over the past year and a half iapos;ve realized a lot about myself.�� About the kind of person I�was, the kind of person I became, and the kind of person iapos;ve now become.� Iapos;ve looked back and thought over my actions. �Seen all of my mistakes.� Noticed all the flaws and failings of my character.� It was interesting, though often depressing, to think back to the kind of person I was, and the kind of things I�caused.� I can think back and remember every single moment of every single day that meant something to me, or was a turning point in my life.� Sometimes I think that, when iapos;m closing my eyes in the darkness, letting my thoughts wander, that iapos;m just watching another drama soap-opera on the television.

Iapos;d have to say, that in the past year and a half, iapos;ve made 2 mistakes.� Not the minor "oh I forgot" or "oops, my bad" mistakes.� I�mean the kinds of mistakes that create a circumstance that develops a powerful emotional response, and makes me question the purity of who I am.� Those two mistakes were essentially the same kind of mistakes, though had their distinct differences.� The first mistake, was my weak-hearted, idiotic, and undoubtedly selfish betrayal of Glet.� Betraying his trust and his respect, and hurting him like someone shouldnapos;t be hurt.� The second mistake was similar, though under different circumstances.� The second mistake was the betrayal of TJ.� Betraying his trust and his respect.� Betraying his commitments and sacrifices.� Betraying his love.�

Both these things were the most foolish and selfish things iapos;d ever done.� In both instances, I betrayed and hurt someone I�love.� In both instances, I was tossed aside.� In both instances, I�was shaken to my core, and left to question myself and the purity of my person.� In the time since those instances, iapos;ve willingly held myself aside.� Keeping to myself.� Denying my urgers.� Placing myself into a socialized solitude where upon keeping a social life to retain some sanity, without fully retreating into lonliness and depression.� In the time iapos;ve had to myself, so to speak, iapos;ve been able to determine my weaknesses.� Iapos;ve been able to label my flaws, and in this time suppress, or even eliminate, those traits of my person that brought ruin and pain to the friendships and closeness I�enjoyed with others.

So, in a nutshell......iapos;ve changed...

I donapos;t hold hope or some kind of delusion that by changing who I am for the better will make what had happened alright, or that it will bring those I�hurt back into my life.� I�just know that these circumstances have, coming to this, changed me for the better.� I�know iapos;m a better person these days.� Iapos;m glad that I�can learn from my mistakes. �

Heh heh...self-reflection makes me hungry...

Time for some Burger King and a beer...
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